


Fae Accompli

by Haywire



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:02:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28144299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haywire/pseuds/Haywire
Summary: When Guillermo tries to lighten the mood around the house for the holidays, things don't go exactly as he'd planned. That might not be such a bad thing, however, and he tries to milk it for all that it's worth.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Fae Accompli

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tjs_whatnot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tjs_whatnot/gifts).



Day 1

Guillermo reached up above the fireplace, fiddling with it for the thousandth time since he’d first placed it there. He stood back on to the camera crew - something they’d explicitly requested no one do while they were filming - for a few more moments while he fidgeted away before he realized his mistake.

“Oops. Sorry guys,” he said, turning around and pushing the bridge of his glasses upward. “I just want to make sure that it’s perfect, you know? Christmas usually isn’t that big of a deal around here for obvious reasons but I want to change that.”

Another beat or three passed before Guillermo realized he was still blocking the camera’s line of sight.

“Right, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?” He stepped aside and let the camera see the mantelpiece. The lens grew blurry then sharpened as it zoomed in and focused on the object.

A thin toy figure, clothed head to toe in Christmas garb, sat there, a mischievous grin painted onto its face. It sported a bright red Santa’s hat, complete with a white fluff at its point, white pointed collar, red jacket and green pants, topped off with pointy elven shoes.

“It’s one of those Elfs on the Shelf things. They’re pretty popular, or so the internet tells me,” Guillermo explained, looking back at the doll with a smile. “You put them around the house doing silly things every day from December first until Christmas Day.”

He led the crew outside the living room and into the foyer as he continued. “I figured it’d get the house into a more festive spirit, even though Nandor has already told me I won’t be getting any time off around Christmas.”

Guillermo started up the staircase, pulling a feather duster from his back pocket as he dusted his way up along. “Or on, you know. Christmas Day itself. Which I have to work.”

Before he could say anything further, a blood-curdling scream came from the living room.

“WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT DOING HERE?!” came Laszlo’s voice.

Guillermo went wide-eyed and stared directly into the camera.

_Don't sing if you want to live long  
They have no use for your song  
You're dead, you're dead, you're dead  
You're dead and out of this world_

_Now, your hope and compassion is gone  
You've sold out your dream to the world  
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead  
You're dead and out of this world…_

“Alright, we’ve called this house meeting to discuss an urgent emergency,” Nandor begin. He stood at the front of the living room, Guillermo standing slightly behind him, with Laszlo and Nadja on one couch and Colin Robinson in the other remaining chair.

“See, I hate to nitpick, but I have to stop you there,” interrupted Colin. “Because an emergency is urgent in and of itself, so you really don’t have to use the word emergency.” Nandja stifled a yawn as he droned on. “Funny word, that one, emergency. Its roots are in -”

“Stop, Colin Robinson.” Laszlo raised a hand to emphasize his point. “We’ve already been attacked once this evening, we don’t need you trying to drain our energy on top of it, man!”

“Wait, there was an attack?” asked Guillermo.

“Quiet, Guillermo, this is a vampires only meeting.” Nandor wagged a finger in his servant’s direction.

“So I can go back to my room then, or…”

“Well.” Nandor frowned and stole a glimpse at the camera. “We need you to make notes of the meeting. Or to get something for us.”

“You can get me a fucking crossbow, that’s what, and I’ll take that little shit out,” growled Laszlo.

“You know you cannot openly attack the fae, darling.” Nadja said softly, then clucked her tongue. “If only it was that easy.”

“The fae?” Guillaermo looked between the two vampires on the couch, trying to figure out what was going on.

“Up there, on the mantel,” Nandor whispered, nodding towards the Elf on the Shelf. “They have very good hearing though, so be quiet, Guillermo.”

“Oh, that, I meant to tell you.” He started to walk towards the fireplace to pick it up. “He’ll be here until Christmas, and you can tell him what you want for a gift -”

Nadja leapt to her feet and planted herself between the human and the fireplace, hissing loudly at him and raising her hands in the air.

“You fool! You do not ever, _ever_ make a deal with the fae!” she said. “You will doom us all!”

“How did it ever get inside in the first place?” demanded Laszlo.

They all turned to look at Guillermo at the same time.

“He… it must’ve come down the fireplace?” He pointed at the chimney and side-eyed the camera, hoping that they wouldn’t give him away.

The camera crew, as always, remained unyielding professionals and didn’t interfere with what they were recording, much to Guillermo’s relief.

“Chimneys are a real pain, I’ll tell ya,” Colin Robinson inserted, trying to hijack the conversation once more. “The flues can get quite dirty, and then there’s the issue of asbestos, I think, depending on the age. Speaking of which, how old is this place, exactly? Because I read this really interesting building code amendment from 1963 the other day and -”

“Ok, ok, let’s just ignore the… newcomer,” Nandor said, waving a hand dismissively at the energy vampire. “He will have no choice but to retreat if no one is obliging him, so let’s leave it at that. Meeting adjourned.”

They all filed out of the room one at a time, with Guillermo giving the camera a quick shake of his head as he walked past, not wanting to say anything further on the subject.

* * *

Day Two

“It’s still there!”

Nadja’s shout summoned all the house’s residents within moments. They all entered the living room and saw that the Elf was still there where it had been the previous evening.

-

“I didn’t have time to move it,” Guillermo told the camera crew in a solo interview later on from his bedroom.

“Nadja. Laszlo, and Nandor avoided it, sure, and went to sleep during the day,” he explained stifling a yawn, “but Colin Robinson hung out there the whole time and tried to talk to me about 1960s building code regulations every time I tried to get close.”

-

“What,” drawled Laszlo, “the _fuck?_ ”

“Someone must have made a wish.” Nandor looked at them all, saving the last look for Guillermo.

“It wasn’t me, master,” he replied. “I have everything I need. I mean, except for, you know. The whole promise you made to me - which I know you'll deliver on, but I couldn’t get that from an el- I mean, the fae.”

“Yes, this is true, I am a very benevolent master,” admitted Nandor selflessly.

“Colin Robinson, do you seek something from the fae?” asked Nadja. “Do you need its energy or something?”

“Oh, my goodness, no, I don’t need anything from him. I get all the energy I need from work, which reminds me, the _funniest_ thing happened there today, you will not believe it.”

Everyone turned and left before he could get any further into his story.

-

“I guess I should be more careful and get rid of that thing,” said Guillermo in his later interview. “I mean, they clearly don’t like it, and it’d be… it’d be cruel to keep playing with them, right?”

He looked at the camera and waited for input that he knew wouldn’t be forthcoming.

“I mean, maybe another day or two, just to be sure that they don’t like it. Yeah.”

* * *

Day Three

The day started out with a soon-to-be-discovered-as-false sense of relief when the elf was no longer on the proverbial shelf. Nandor was glad to announce the good news, and Guillermo couldn’t make eye contact with the camera the whole time the rest of them discussed their good fortune.

“Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say,” Laszlo declared. “Fucking fae.”

“Why do you hate them so much, darling?” prodded Nadja.

“They’re just creepy, darling.” He opened his mouth to say more but, in rare form for Laszlo, chose not to say anything further.

“Guys -” Colin Robinson said, raising his hand.

“Not now, Colin Robinson.” Nadja shushed him and kept her focus on the oddly silent Laszlo.

“I think this is important, though.” Colin turned to Nandor, who was also shaking his head.

“What could be more important than celebrating our victory over the fae, Colin Robinson?” Nandor crossed his arms and waited for an explanation.

Colin just pointed to the chandelier in the foyer and the tiny red-and-white clad object hanging from it.

“No!” shouted Nadja and Laszlo in unison.

Guillermo finally made brief eye contact with the camera, trying hard not to laugh out loud.

* * *

Day Nine

All of them sat around the dining room table - not that they ever used it for eating - to have another house meeting. Nandor wanted to have it in a different location in hopes of throwing the fae off of their scent. This time Colin Robinson was invited, and they all sat, waiting for Nandor to start the meeting off.

“I am pleased to report that we have not been haunted by the fae this day.” He started to clap his hands, stopping when he saw no one else joining in.

“I do not understand. This is good news, yes?” he asked.

“It might not be, Nandor,” Nadja said. “It might mean that someone has taken the evil one up on his offer.”

“Who would do such a thing?” asked Laszlo. “Wait, hold on. We can _ask_ it for things?”

“Don’t you **dare!** ” Nadja struck her partner on the arm for emphasis. “There is a price for such things! A horrible, horrible price!”

“Yes but how much is the price, darling?” He dodged another blow, raising a hand to ward her off. “I’m just curious, that’s all!”

In all the fracas the table got bumped, and a clacking sound signalled something falling to the floor below. Nandor peeked under the table and shouted as he swatted his hand, knocking the Elf on the Shelf doll out and across the hardwood floor.

“IT WAS HIDING UNDER THE TABLE! RUN!” he yelled, fleeing the room, followed by Nadja and Colin Robinson.

“BAT!” yelled Laszlo, who transformed and flew out behind them.

Guillermo sighed and picked the doll up, walking out last.

* * *

Day Thirteen

“That fucking thing has got to go,” Laszlo announced as he entered the living room.

“What has it done now?” Nandor asked, standing up from the couch.

“He was watching me.” Laszlo looked around the room, unsure if they understood what he was saying. “While, you know. I was taking care of something.”

“Oh Laszlo,” said Nadja, hiding her head in her hands. “Why?”

“I don’t follow,” Nandor said with a frown.

“You know. Chopping the morning wood.” Laszlo explained.

“Huh?”

“Flogging the bishop?”

“Men of religion were in our house? I…” Nandor shrugged, not following.

“Pleasuring myself, man! How many different ways can I say it?” Laszlo roared.

“Wait what now?” Guillermo asked. “Where, uh, was this happening again?”

“In the bathroom, the little imp was pretending to be all coy and playful-like, hanging from the shower rod. But he got an eyeful, more than he’d wagered, I bet. Oh yes.” Laszlo cackled, then coughed. “I mean, not _literally,_ though not for lack od trying. He’d’ve deserved it, little bastard.”

“Hold on, you didn’t stop?!” asked Nadja.

“Of course not, how could I? You know how being watched makes me feel.” Laszlo frowned at them all. “Oh come on, like you wouldn’t have done the same thing.”

“I went in before you and I didn’t! We’re supposed to ignore him!” said an exasperated Nadja.

“I will be going elsewhere today, I think.” Nandor shook his head and sat back down.

Guillermo just grabbed a roll of paper towels and avoided looking at the camera as he headed for the washroom, severely second-guessing his gag.

* * *

Day Nineteen

“You know, Guillermo, I think I’ve figured it out.” Nandor said with a yawn as he woke up in his coffin.

“Yes, master?”

“We’re so scared about making a wish in front of the fae, and being in its debt, we’ve stopped trying to figure out how to make it go away. But if we give it what it wants, then maybe that’ll solve it, yes?” Nandor sat up and looked over at his familiar. “Giving a gift to him, or someone else, that may solve it, yes? That’s this whole Christmas thing is about, or whatever.”

“Exactly, master!” Guillermo refrained from clapping his hands but couldn’t help but appear excited. “That’s what I - I mean, that’s exactly what the season is about, and what the elf… fae wants us to realize.”

“It is? Excellent.” Nandor stood and hopped out of his coffin, putting his hand out expectantly for his robe. Guillermo placed it there in record time. “Then I know exactly what I shall do today.” He smiled as he fastened it on and flipped it over his shoulder. “Thank you, Guillermo.”

“Of course. I live to serve my future sire in any fashion.” He hoped he wasn’t laying it on too thick but he was genuinely excited that his message may have gotten though at last.

Nandor left the room, pausing just a moment to give Guillermo a wink before he disappeared around the corner.

Guillermo was so ecstatic that he barely heard Nandor’s scream when he found the Elf sitting on one of the bannister’s at the bottom of the staircase.

* * *

Christmas Day

“No more fae!” exclaimed Nadja as she and Laszlo joined the others in the living room.

“It’s true, we did an exhaustive search everywhere, including the bathroom.” He paused, holding up two fingers. “Twice this morning.” Then he smirked and wagged his eyebrows. “ _So far_ , I should say.”

“Knock if off, Laszlo,” said Nadja, followed with an elbow to his ribs.

“Yes, and you are welcome, all of you.” Nandor stepped forward, holding a large box that was poorly wrapped but an effort had been nonetheless. “I discovered what the fae wanted and behold, once I acquired it, it has gone.”

“Actually,” interrupted Colin Robinson, “the whole point of that thing was to last until Christmas Day, which is today, and, well.” He chuckled and drew in a sharp intake of breath. “Hey, you all know about the pagan holidays that got converted into Christmas, right? It’s pretty interesting stuff, though you’ll need to sit down, it will take a while to -”

“No, that’s ok, Colin,” Guillermo said, holding up a hand.

“It is a lot, Guillermo, and there’s a few centuries of traditions for me to explain first, so here we go. You see, back in -”

“I think Nandor was about to tell us something, though.” Guillermo gave a hard stare and Colin backed down, blinking in surprise. Guillermo then turned back to Nandor. “Sorry, you were saying, _master_?”

“I was saying, thank you,” Nandor continued, also shooting a look at Colin, “that I, and I alone, have saved us.” He paused for applause, which was not forthcoming. “You’re welcome anyway.”

“How did you save us, master?” Guillermo finally asked when no one else spoke up.

“It was very simple. We just have to give a gift, something that someone wants, and it will leave us alone. I have done that,” he wagged the box in his hand back and forth a few times, “and now we are alone.”

“But what did you get as a gift?” prompted Nadja. “Did… one of us need an old box? Hmm?” She raised an eyebrow and looked around the room.

“Not fucking me, that looks absolutely awful,” posited Lazslo.

“It’s not the box that counts, it’s what’s inside of it, and, more importantly, who it’s for.” Nandor turned around and faced Guillermo, smiling broadly as he handed over the gift.

“Oh, oh master, I don’t know what to say!” It had been over a decade since Nandor took him on and he was about to get what he’d been promised. Guillermo was giddy with delight, and his mind raced at the thought.

“Well, don’t just stand there, open it!” Nandor said, putting his hands together in anticipation.

“What? Oh, of course.” Guillermo’s smile faltered just a tad. What could possibly be in the box that related to being turned? Still, Nandor wanted him to open it so he did, pulling the loose ribbon off and pushing more than tearing the tattered scraps of paper off.

Perhaps it was a cape of his own, he thought. That would be very thoughtful indeed.

As he opened the box Guillermo spied fabric of some sort, and grew excited at the thought. He pulled out the clothing, which turned out to be more than one piece of clothing, and brighter than he expected. It was a little too bright, truth be told, and -

Oh.

Oh _no._

“Go ahead, try it on,” urged Nandor.

“Master, do I have to, I…”

“Yes, Guillermo, or do you want to have the fae come back?” He crossed his arms. “It would be terribly rude to turn down such a gift, and then he would curse us all. Do you want that, hmm?”

“Of course not, master.” Guillermo sighed and retreated towards the bathroom to change. “I’ll be right back.”

When he came out a few minutes later, Guillermo wore a bright red jacket with black buttons, a pointed white collar, green pants, and a pointy pair of shoes. He held a Santa hat in his hand, holding it by the white poofy ball at its tip.

“Put it on,” Nandor encouraged, making a gesture with both hands of pulling a hat over his own head.

Guillermo did so, trying not to frown as he did so and failing.

“Yes, that’s it! Your wish to serve me in fashion, the fae’s fashion, has come true and we are saved.” Nandor clapped his hands together, and this time the others joined in. “And you got your wish on top of it all, Guillermo! Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas, master,” muttered Guillermo.

Colin Robinson’s eyes glowed as he feasted on Guillermo’s discontent. It truly was the best Christmas ever.


End file.
